What do you do for a living?

When dating, the topic of employment will inevitably be touched upon - and that's a good thing. Whether it comes up in person or it's listed on a dating website, someone's chosen career can tell you an awful lot about that person, such as their inclinations, personal development, and key competencies. Pretty straightforward, right? Wrong. Sometimes people will list their careers as being things we've never heard of before. Strange things. I've been baffled in the past, and I'd be willing to bet that you have too. When in doubt, use the following guide to discover the true meaning of these career fields:

Job: Freelance Blogger

Description: A blogger is someone who publishes articles, treatises, rants, and diatribes on a non-news website - most usually somewhere deep within the bowels of the internet (See: this blog). What's a "freelance" blogger? That's short-hand for someone who is pretending that they 1.) get paid for it, and 2.) they are being sought out for their writing skills. They aren't.

Translation: They're unemployed, but they have an opinion, dammit!

Job: Social Media Critic

Description: These people spend their time analyzing, warning us about, and railing against social media usage. They often disseminate these viewpoints...using social media.

Translation: They are either a well-known television pundit, or unemployed.

Job: Life Coach

Description: Ostensibly, a Life Coach is a person who encourages and advises their clients about matters pertaining to personal relationships and career trajectory. Interestingly, there are no standardized certification processes for - and no official registry of - Life Coaches anywhere on planet earth. Therefore, anyone can call themselves a Life Coach. Congratulations, you just paid someone without a real job to advise you about the future of yours.

Translation: Technically employed, but still a human leech with no scruples. 

Job: Grassroots Activist

Description: An activist is someone who spends their time trying to vigorously defend or assail a political system, law, group, or ideology. Many times, such a vocation requires an overabundance of body hair, questionable hygiene habits, and the ability to chant mantras in the shrillest manner humanly possible.
A grassroots activist is someone who is too narcissistic to simply call themselves an activist. This, of course, is done with all of the requisite faux moral authority you've come to expect from such endeavors.

Translation: They're unemployed, and smelly. 

Job: Community Organizer 

Description: A community organizer is a virulent rabble-rouser whose main objective is to whip a subset of society into a religious fervor over perceived ills within the larger society. Often excellent orators, these agitators make constant references to "xenophobia", "social justice", "carbon footprint", "oppression", "truth-to-power", "imperialism", and "fear-mongering".

Translation: They're an unemployed Communist. 

WARNING! 

Some people inflate the importance of their job by placing the English language in a literary choke hold. Consider the following:

Your Date: "I'm a culinary implement sanitization specialist."

Meaning: Dishwasher

Your Date: "I'm an undocumented pharmaceutical salesman focusing on underserved suburban communities."

Meaning: Small town drug dealer

Your Date: "I'm a property appropriator, specializing in precious metals and rare earth minerals."

Meaning: Jewel thief

Your Date: "I'm a field statistician and probability analyst in the gaming industry."

Meaning: Compulsive gambler

Bad Date Escape Plan: Part II

Methods of escape, continued:

The True Believer

 

Your date has taken a turn for the worse, and you want nothing more than to forget this night happened? No problem. Commit this following statement to memory, and practice it in front of a mirror until you feel comfortable with your delivery:

"You may be interested in why I agreed to meet with you tonight. Have you ever heard of Scientology? It's changed my life, and it can change yours too! You see, it all started about 75 trillion years ago. At that time, the Galactic Confederacy was ruled by Lord Xenu, a despotic leader who believed that the confederacy was overpopulated with thetans, which we call "humans" today. Lord Xenu hatched a plan to dispose of these thetans by exploding them with hydrogen bombs inside of volcanoes on earth, which was then known as Teegeeack..." (Interesting fact: Scientologists actually believe this)

The Ringtone Redemption

Not going so well, huh? I've got a solution for you. You know the alarm clock function on your cell phone? Set the alert sound to be the same as that of a phone call. Prior to your date, simply set your alarm to go off every half hour or so while you're talking with your date. When you've finally had enough of his company, apologetically insist that you have to take the call because your "mother" doesn't usually call you so many times in a row. Next, try and summon your best Oscar-worthy performance, and say "Hello? What's up? Oh...oh my....how bad is it? Okay...okay...which hospital?".  If you happen to be holding a cold drink at the time, you can covertly dab some condensation near your tear ducts for optimum effect. Congratulations, you're free.

The Deranged Diner

You hate him so much that you don't care what he thinks? Great. Order some food. Upon it's arrival, ignore all dining utensils and napkins. Keep your face mere inches from the plate, and use your fingers to sloppily shovel mouthfuls of food towards your gaping maw. While doing this, maintain eye contact with your date, as though you are a wolf jealously guarding your portion of elk leg. If he reaches for the salt or pepper, snarl at him loudly and slap his hand away. For good measure, interject statements such as "You disgust me."
You won't be getting a call back. You're welcome.

Bad Date Escape Plan : Part I

I've been approached several times by ladies asking this question, "What if my date is going badly? How do I extricate myself from the situation without seeming rude?". Trust me ladies, I know what it's like to want to fake a heart attack in order to escape. Whether you're on a date with "crazy eyes", one that weighs 200 pounds more than they did on their profile picture, or one that has a bad habit of snorting or grunting while feigning laughter, it's important to have an escape plan. It's my hope that this guide assists you in your goal of getting gone.

The Pre-game

Before going on a first date, it's important to foresee situations that may arise to hinder your escape or negatively affect your personal security. Consider the following mistakes:

• You agreed to get picked up at your home by your date? Bad move. Now he knows where you live and has denied you access to your most effective method of escape. It's awfully hard to run away from a creeper while you're wearing high heels, isn't it?
• You didn't tell any friends or family about your date or where you were going? Bad move. Don't worry though, because I'll be looking for you, or more specifically for your face...on a milk carton. 
• You allowed him to buy you drinks, and you sucked them down like you had just run fourteen concurrent marathons? Bad move. You've denied your poor reptilian brain it's ability to combat unwanted advances. When you do this, "handy man" can take on a whole new meaning. 
• During conversation you told them your whole life story, including where you work, where you go to church, and where you hang out? Bad move. It's almost like you are desperate to have your very own stalker. You see that guy in the tree with the binoculars? Yeah...he's not from the Audubon Society.
• You agreed to go back to his poorly lit apartment to "watch a movie"? Bad move. Now you're on his turf. That's not to say that there won't be a movie; its just that you'll be the unwitting star.

- If these precautions fail to ensure your safety or hasty retreat, you must immediately do one of the following -

The Bathroom Breakaway

So your date isn't going as you planned, huh? Not all is lost. You still have time to escape if you take action. In most cities, the building codes dictate that fire escapes must be located at each end of a structure. Luckily for you, the bathroom is most likely near one of those exits. During a pause in conversation, say something like, "Wow. Every time I drink Diet Pepsi this happens to me. It's so embarrassing."  At this point, look at the date, smile, and head towards the bathroom. Only, you aren't headed to the bathroom, are you? Nope. Push that exit door open, and bathe yourself in the radiant glow of freedom.

The Medical Condition

He's annoying, and all he will talk about is NASCAR and professional wrestling. Apparently, he thinks that they are not only interesting, but also key to the advancement of humankind. I get it - you need to escape. During the conversation, be sure to look at him lovingly, and attempt to hold or touch his hands as if to say "We are meant to be together". Once he seems to be comfortable with this, say "I'm so glad I found you. It can be really hard to find a date when you're a girl with both HIV and Gender Identity Disorder. I think I'm falling for you."  Date over.

The Mental Disorder

You're really not into this guy, are you? No fear. I have a solution. Wait for a pause during conversation, and then cock your head to the side, as though you are hearing a voice that's inaudible to all those around you. Start mouthing random words, and try to look as confused as possible. After a few seconds of this, utter this sentence, "But why, Dark Lord? I like him, and I've only just met him! Why must you always satisfy your lust for blood?". You should be good to go after that.

...part two coming tomorrow...

Crazy Eyes

I went on a date last week with a woman I'll call "Kristen". All things considered, Kristen was a very nice girl. She was smart, articulate, and even sufficiently affable. The problem? She had eyes that were unusually wide and fervent. I mean that in the sense that her eyes always seemed to be on 'high beam'. They were unblinking; staring at me intensely like a crazed mountain gorilla asserting its dominance.
I've seen this look before, but where? Ah, yes...photos of people in cults. It's the same look in every cult, whether it be Scientology, The People's Temple, or Heaven's Gate. They always seem to have this ethereal look of bewilderment and rapture, gazing at everything as if they were frightened newborns. It's very unsettling.

While seated at the table, I found myself avoiding eye contact with her at all costs. I developed a strategy of swirling my coffee around in it's cup, and watching as the spinning liquid vortex reduced itself to stillness. Sip. Swirl. Repeat. I think she began to catch on to what I was doing, because she would occasionally touch my shoulder to get my attention. Not wanting to appear rude (I'm not a monster) I made sure to stare at the tip of her nose at regular intervals. It worked. She seemed satisfied that I was looking at her, even if I felt like staring at her nose was the moral equivalent of distracting an aggressive dog by throwing a pork chop at it.

I'm happy to report that I left that coffee shop with my soul intact. I was my own hero that day.

Dating at 30+ : Part II

In the first installment I began to describe the types of women I've been finding on dating sites, specifically on Plenty of Fish. My experiences have cemented my belief that after the age of 30, you are pretty much shopping in the "scratch and dent" aisle of the Relationship Store, so to speak. At my age, everyone seems to come with baggage, myself included. It's just that some baggage seems to weigh more. Let's continue delving into more archetypes of maladjustment...

Group Five: The Artist

She's got a B.F.A. in Musical Theatre, a B.A. in Performance Art, and an A.S. in Interpretive Dance. She just might be the most longest educated person you've ever met. Hell, she might even be smokin' hot, but don't be fooled! If they made a Barbie based on her it would come with a certificate documenting her crushing student debt, patchouli oil to cover the stench of the stale marijuana clinging to her tie-dye shirt, and paperwork to apply for unemployment benefits. Unless you feel like subsidizing her career hobby, I would recommend giving this type of woman a wide berth.

Group Six: The Feminist

These women are often seen accumulating spittle in the corners of their mouths while screaming such things as, "Misogyny!", "Patriarchy!", and "All men are born rapists!" all while holding wildly colored, hand painted signs. You have a better chance of finding a full vial of virgin unicorn blood than you do meeting a friendly feminist. However, feminists do like some men. We know them as Beta Males. You might be one if you wear hipster glasses and blog about income inequality in Sierra Leone. Don't be a Beta. Leave the feminists alone.

Group Seven: Mistress of the Dark

She wears a pentagram, seems to be somewhat depressed, and where she doesn't have tattoos she has razor scars and cigarette burns. Much like in the animal kingdom, her colorful markings and dodgy eye movements serve as an evolutionary warning system to those around her. Danger! Do you really want to wake up in a pit in her basement? No? Then stay away.

Group Eight: The Ex-Factor

During conversations, she's the woman that responds to far too many of your statements with, "My ex...". Whatever it is that you might say, she will attempt to relate the subject matter at hand to one of her seemingly numerous ex-boyfriends. You like dogs? Ex. You had knee replacement surgery? Ex. You were the youngest recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize? Ex. I can be hard to tell if she hates him or is still obsessed with him - in a stalker-ish kind of way. It doesn't really matter because this is one of the clearest indications of someone being bat$%#@ crazy. It's a no-go.

Dating at 30+ : Part I

Welcome to the first post! My vision for the Lateral Zero blog is to give you a glimpse into the mind of a single 30-something year old male who still hasn't figured out life. I'm not too keen on long winded introductions, so let's get right to it:

Attempting to reenter the dating scene in your thirties can be a daunting proposition, especially after a two year long hiatus like the one I'm returning from. In an attempt to dive in head first, I joined a couple dating sites, and let's just say that the results have been less than encouraging. One of the things I've learned is that I pretty much have my pick of 300 pound, heavily tattooed forty year olds that have multiple children. I've also observed that most of the women on these websites, who are of a similar age to myself, seem to fall into several categories. These are the ones I've encountered so far.


Group One: The Hottie

We've all seen her. She's the attractive woman in her late 20's or early 30's that seems to have it all. She's intelligent, works in a high paying career that she loves, and has a fantastic figure to top it all off. She's confident, graceful, and when she walks into a room you can almost hear the sounds of male necks whipping towards her in hopes of catching a glimpse. Guess what? She doesn't even know you exist. She has her choice of men, and she certainly won't be choosing a shy 32 year old with thinning hair that makes less than $60,000 a year (See: me). She's the kind of girl that goes for either a 22 year old fraternity buffoon that looks like a male model, or a 43 year old martini-sipping attorney that has already made partner at a firm. Don't even bother sending her a message.

Group Two: The Baby Factory

Everyone knows at least one of these girls. She was the one whose water broke during Spanish class at your high school. The problem? She didn't learn her lesson, and since high school she's been impregnated multiple times by a lengthy procession of deadbeats with neck tattoos. Because of these choices, she's a 29 year old with three kids and a body that looks like it belongs to a manatee. Now she's on the prowl, because for the first time in her life she's sick of "jerks", and all she wants is "a good man". It's too late to be making that decision now, honey. You've already given birth to three lads from different dads, and I'm not interested.

Group Three: The Divorcee

Perhaps the classification of woman with the most diverse kinds of accompanying circumstances, the divorcee can be hard to make sense of. She could have married young and divorced young with no children, married young and divorced young with children, married young and divorced old with no children, married old and divorced old...I think you get the point. And then, of course, there's the question of the events that led up to her getting divorced. Even if you were brave enough to ask her about it, she will likely deny being a ceaseless nagger, unsupportive partner, petty argument starter, jealous killjoy, or greedy money grubber. Or she might be amazing and awesome. As such, dating a divorcee is like slathering yourself with bacon fat and walking through the wolf habitat at the zoo. What will happen? You won't really know until it happens, but it's nothing if not scary.

Group Four: The Hyper-religious Chick

An unwavering optimist and idealist, this woman is desperate to get married and is convinced that God has a man specifically picked out for her. She's prepared to pray fervently - and wait patiently -until she's world-weary and in her late thirties. What happens then? Her biology dictates that she desperately wants kids, and the rotund fellow on the praise team can make it happen. My advice? Keep clear of the hyper-religious chick. She's like a fluffy white rabbit observed attacking a mountain lion; while perhaps noble, she's obviously crazy.

More to follow...