Bad Date Escape Plan : Part I

I've been approached several times by ladies asking this question, "What if my date is going badly? How do I extricate myself from the situation without seeming rude?". Trust me ladies, I know what it's like to want to fake a heart attack in order to escape. Whether you're on a date with "crazy eyes", one that weighs 200 pounds more than they did on their profile picture, or one that has a bad habit of snorting or grunting while feigning laughter, it's important to have an escape plan. It's my hope that this guide assists you in your goal of getting gone.

The Pre-game

Before going on a first date, it's important to foresee situations that may arise to hinder your escape or negatively affect your personal security. Consider the following mistakes:

• You agreed to get picked up at your home by your date? Bad move. Now he knows where you live and has denied you access to your most effective method of escape. It's awfully hard to run away from a creeper while you're wearing high heels, isn't it?
• You didn't tell any friends or family about your date or where you were going? Bad move. Don't worry though, because I'll be looking for you, or more specifically for your face...on a milk carton. 
• You allowed him to buy you drinks, and you sucked them down like you had just run fourteen concurrent marathons? Bad move. You've denied your poor reptilian brain it's ability to combat unwanted advances. When you do this, "handy man" can take on a whole new meaning. 
• During conversation you told them your whole life story, including where you work, where you go to church, and where you hang out? Bad move. It's almost like you are desperate to have your very own stalker. You see that guy in the tree with the binoculars? Yeah...he's not from the Audubon Society.
• You agreed to go back to his poorly lit apartment to "watch a movie"? Bad move. Now you're on his turf. That's not to say that there won't be a movie; its just that you'll be the unwitting star.

- If these precautions fail to ensure your safety or hasty retreat, you must immediately do one of the following -

The Bathroom Breakaway

So your date isn't going as you planned, huh? Not all is lost. You still have time to escape if you take action. In most cities, the building codes dictate that fire escapes must be located at each end of a structure. Luckily for you, the bathroom is most likely near one of those exits. During a pause in conversation, say something like, "Wow. Every time I drink Diet Pepsi this happens to me. It's so embarrassing."  At this point, look at the date, smile, and head towards the bathroom. Only, you aren't headed to the bathroom, are you? Nope. Push that exit door open, and bathe yourself in the radiant glow of freedom.

The Medical Condition

He's annoying, and all he will talk about is NASCAR and professional wrestling. Apparently, he thinks that they are not only interesting, but also key to the advancement of humankind. I get it - you need to escape. During the conversation, be sure to look at him lovingly, and attempt to hold or touch his hands as if to say "We are meant to be together". Once he seems to be comfortable with this, say "I'm so glad I found you. It can be really hard to find a date when you're a girl with both HIV and Gender Identity Disorder. I think I'm falling for you."  Date over.

The Mental Disorder

You're really not into this guy, are you? No fear. I have a solution. Wait for a pause during conversation, and then cock your head to the side, as though you are hearing a voice that's inaudible to all those around you. Start mouthing random words, and try to look as confused as possible. After a few seconds of this, utter this sentence, "But why, Dark Lord? I like him, and I've only just met him! Why must you always satisfy your lust for blood?". You should be good to go after that.

...part two coming tomorrow...