The True Believer
Your date has taken a turn for the worse, and you want nothing more than to forget this night happened? No problem. Commit this following statement to memory, and practice it in front of a mirror until you feel comfortable with your delivery:
"You may be interested in why I agreed to meet with you tonight. Have you ever heard of Scientology? It's changed my life, and it can change yours too! You see, it all started about 75 trillion years ago. At that time, the Galactic Confederacy was ruled by Lord Xenu, a despotic leader who believed that the confederacy was overpopulated with thetans, which we call "humans" today. Lord Xenu hatched a plan to dispose of these thetans by exploding them with hydrogen bombs inside of volcanoes on earth, which was then known as Teegeeack..." (Interesting fact: Scientologists actually believe this)
The Ringtone Redemption
Not going so well, huh? I've got a solution for you. You know the alarm clock function on your cell phone? Set the alert sound to be the same as that of a phone call. Prior to your date, simply set your alarm to go off every half hour or so while you're talking with your date. When you've finally had enough of his company, apologetically insist that you have to take the call because your "mother" doesn't usually call you so many times in a row. Next, try and summon your best Oscar-worthy performance, and say "Hello? What's up? Oh...oh my....how bad is it? Okay...okay...which hospital?". If you happen to be holding a cold drink at the time, you can covertly dab some condensation near your tear ducts for optimum effect. Congratulations, you're free.
The Deranged Diner
You hate him so much that you don't care what he thinks? Great. Order some food. Upon it's arrival, ignore all dining utensils and napkins. Keep your face mere inches from the plate, and use your fingers to sloppily shovel mouthfuls of food towards your gaping maw. While doing this, maintain eye contact with your date, as though you are a wolf jealously guarding your portion of elk leg. If he reaches for the salt or pepper, snarl at him loudly and slap his hand away. For good measure, interject statements such as "You disgust me."
You won't be getting a call back. You're welcome.
Not going so well, huh? I've got a solution for you. You know the alarm clock function on your cell phone? Set the alert sound to be the same as that of a phone call. Prior to your date, simply set your alarm to go off every half hour or so while you're talking with your date. When you've finally had enough of his company, apologetically insist that you have to take the call because your "mother" doesn't usually call you so many times in a row. Next, try and summon your best Oscar-worthy performance, and say "Hello? What's up? Oh...oh my....how bad is it? Okay...okay...which hospital?". If you happen to be holding a cold drink at the time, you can covertly dab some condensation near your tear ducts for optimum effect. Congratulations, you're free.
The Deranged Diner
You hate him so much that you don't care what he thinks? Great. Order some food. Upon it's arrival, ignore all dining utensils and napkins. Keep your face mere inches from the plate, and use your fingers to sloppily shovel mouthfuls of food towards your gaping maw. While doing this, maintain eye contact with your date, as though you are a wolf jealously guarding your portion of elk leg. If he reaches for the salt or pepper, snarl at him loudly and slap his hand away. For good measure, interject statements such as "You disgust me."
You won't be getting a call back. You're welcome.
A triumph!
ReplyDeleteFunny indeed.
ReplyDeleteBut... but... what if I WANT to believe?!!
ReplyDelete