Attempting to reenter the dating scene in your thirties can be a daunting proposition, especially after a two year long hiatus like the one I'm returning from. In an attempt to dive in head first, I joined a couple dating sites, and let's just say that the results have been less than encouraging. One of the things I've learned is that I pretty much have my pick of 300 pound, heavily tattooed forty year olds that have multiple children. I've also observed that most of the women on these websites, who are of a similar age to myself, seem to fall into several categories. These are the ones I've encountered so far.
Group One: The Hottie
We've all seen her. She's the attractive woman in her late 20's or early 30's that seems to have it all. She's intelligent, works in a high paying career that she loves, and has a fantastic figure to top it all off. She's confident, graceful, and when she walks into a room you can almost hear the sounds of male necks whipping towards her in hopes of catching a glimpse. Guess what? She doesn't even know you exist. She has her choice of men, and she certainly won't be choosing a shy 32 year old with thinning hair that makes less than $60,000 a year (See: me). She's the kind of girl that goes for either a 22 year old fraternity buffoon that looks like a male model, or a 43 year old martini-sipping attorney that has already made partner at a firm. Don't even bother sending her a message.
Group Two: The Baby Factory
Everyone knows at least one of these girls. She was the one whose water broke during Spanish class at your high school. The problem? She didn't learn her lesson, and since high school she's been impregnated multiple times by a lengthy procession of deadbeats with neck tattoos. Because of these choices, she's a 29 year old with three kids and a body that looks like it belongs to a manatee. Now she's on the prowl, because for the first time in her life she's sick of "jerks", and all she wants is "a good man". It's too late to be making that decision now, honey. You've already given birth to three lads from different dads, and I'm not interested.
Group Three: The Divorcee
Perhaps the classification of woman with the most diverse kinds of accompanying circumstances, the divorcee can be hard to make sense of. She could have married young and divorced young with no children, married young and divorced young with children, married young and divorced old with no children, married old and divorced old...I think you get the point. And then, of course, there's the question of the events that led up to her getting divorced. Even if you were brave enough to ask her about it, she will likely deny being a ceaseless nagger, unsupportive partner, petty argument starter, jealous killjoy, or greedy money grubber. Or she might be amazing and awesome. As such, dating a divorcee is like slathering yourself with bacon fat and walking through the wolf habitat at the zoo. What will happen? You won't really know until it happens, but it's nothing if not scary.
Group Four: The Hyper-religious Chick
An unwavering optimist and idealist, this woman is desperate to get married and is convinced that God has a man specifically picked out for her. She's prepared to pray fervently - and wait patiently -until she's world-weary and in her late thirties. What happens then? Her biology dictates that she desperately wants kids, and the rotund fellow on the praise team can make it happen. My advice? Keep clear of the hyper-religious chick. She's like a fluffy white rabbit observed attacking a mountain lion; while perhaps noble, she's obviously crazy.
More to follow...
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