I went on a date last week with a woman I'll call "Kristen". All things considered, Kristen was a very nice girl. She was smart, articulate, and even sufficiently affable. The problem? She had eyes that were unusually wide and fervent. I mean that in the sense that her eyes always seemed to be on 'high beam'. They were unblinking; staring at me intensely like a crazed mountain gorilla asserting its dominance.
I've seen this look before, but where? Ah, yes...photos of people in cults. It's the same look in every cult, whether it be Scientology, The People's Temple, or Heaven's Gate. They always seem to have this ethereal look of bewilderment and rapture, gazing at everything as if they were frightened newborns. It's very unsettling.
While seated at the table, I found myself avoiding eye contact with her at all costs. I developed a strategy of swirling my coffee around in it's cup, and watching as the spinning liquid vortex reduced itself to stillness. Sip. Swirl. Repeat. I think she began to catch on to what I was doing, because she would occasionally touch my shoulder to get my attention. Not wanting to appear rude (I'm not a monster) I made sure to stare at the tip of her nose at regular intervals. It worked. She seemed satisfied that I was looking at her, even if I felt like staring at her nose was the moral equivalent of distracting an aggressive dog by throwing a pork chop at it.
I'm happy to report that I left that coffee shop with my soul intact. I was my own hero that day.
HA!
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